Sunday, March 2, 2014

ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY V

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February 26, 2014
ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY
The SCBWI Conference Day 2
Saturday morning the conference attendees have quadrupled—at least.  The Investors are gone; the writers and illustrators have taken over the entire floor.  We now have four ten-foot tables spread with bagels and coffee and tea.  No GF bagels.  I hunt down the Food and Beverage Manager for my personal plate of bagels I can eat. 
Lin Oliver is our MC and she is very funny.  Sitting in this huge ballroom with hundreds of writers, I feel like I'm “home”.  All my tension ebbs and as Jack Gantos takes the stage to talk to us about his writing and the elements of writing and children and books, I am lost to all else.  Only this remains, this one thing I have wanted to be since I was a little girl of seven—a writer. 
Jack is very funny.  We are laughing so hard some of us have to wipe tears off our cheeks.  As he tells us his secrets of how he writes his books, I hear the same core elements that I have heard before but Jack has adapted them to fit his style and personality.  And I receive permission to do the same—make these elements of writing work for me.  Develop good writing habits that work for me. 
I am scribbling notes and ideas furiously.  But then Jack says something that causes me to go very still inside and I know this is a sacred moment for me.  He says, “The reason you read books is to change, to grow, to feel things, to learn.  This must happen in the story if it is to happen to you, the reader.  A good book is like an infection—it changes you.”  I am not sure why this is so important, but I write it down.
My morning breakout session is with an editor from Houghton Mifflin Harcourt ‘s Books for Young Readers.  Within the first few minutes of her presentation she says, “Picture Books really matter!  This is when children fall in love with books for the first time.  Children are learning about the world, forming impressions.  Picture books stick with us throughout our lives…”  First Jack Gantos, now this editor, addressing the deep down doubt that has held me back from fully giving myself to my children’s writing.  I miss the next few things she says because I am wiping some tears from my cheek. 
The editor goes through the essential ingredients of good picture books.  It is heartening to me to see that I have instinctively known many of these and incorporated them into my writing.  But I see lots of room for me to grow, to come alive and to bring that life into my books. 
The final gift of the morning is the special privilege those of us are given who attended this Houghton Mifflin session: we may submit a manuscript and it will be given special attention—i.e. it will get read and considered.  No slush pile.  No agent needed.  Should I send my ducks waddling over to H.M.’s Books for Young Readers?
The afternoon is also full up with information.  I am getting tired, but I find a seat at the end of the day to listen to a panel talk about banned books.  One of the speakers is Ellen Hopkins, author of award winning YA novels dealing with tough contemporary and extremely relevant issues.  She takes the podium and lights the place on fire!  Do I know that over 75% of banned and challenged books are children’s books?  No.  Do I know that YA books are the most targeted and that there are increasing challenges to books in high schools in the advanced and accelerated learning classes?  No.  Do I realize that the intellectual freedom of children is under severe assault—look at standardized testing and NCLB policies and zero-tolerance policies, just for starters.  Yes!  That one I knew!  “Banned books,” says Ellen, “is one sliver of this assault!”
Ellen goes on: “Children deserve the right to read.  Books give you insight and knowledge.  Is it the truth?  Put it in!  Write bravely!   We know who we’re writing for—we have a responsibility to our readers!  We have a responsibility to the children!”
I came to New York with an intention: I wanted to resolve for myself whether or not it is my purpose and path to write for children.  I have had this desire in me for as long as I can remember, one that I have alternately ignored, played with, worked hard at and abandoned.  But always I have returned, like the night bugs to the light.  When I do, joy and pleasure wells up inside me.  If I go home from this conference with nothing else, having this nagging question answered for me would be enough. 
I write for children because children matter, because books matter, because children need good books.  Good books open up our imaginations, help us process the world around us, stimulate creativity and critical thinking.  I write for children because they deserve good books.

ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY IV

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February 26, 2014
ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY
The SCBWI Conference: Day 1
Friday morning I rise, refreshed, excited and hungry.  I do my meditation and some yoga stretches; take my shower.  Content that I look relaxed, refreshed and professional, I take up my binder with my manuscript and my notepads, my pens and pencils, my business cards, hotel key card, credit card, some money and my phone.  I descend to the Ballroom level and exit into a hive of busy conference attendees.  On one end are the SCBWI pre-conference attendees; hopeful writers and illustrators come to have their work critiqued by peers and the publishing gods—various and sundry book agents and editors.  On the other end is a conference of investors.  The investors have a 30 foot long spread of breakfast delights: fruit and meat and eggs and yogurts and custards and cereals and breads of all kinds, teas and coffees, juices and water.  On our end is a 10 foot long spread of bagels, coffee and tea.  Nothing is gluten free.
Ask and you shall receive, it is said.  I checked in and I asked, “Who can I speak to about providing a gluten free option for those of us who may need that?”  I was told there was supposed to be a gluten free option.  When we brought it to the attention of the Food and Beverage Manager, I was brought a gluten free bagel on a plate—just for me.  The fruit from the market in the lobby cost me $4.00.  I asked if please, the next two mornings would they have a platter of them out as I was certain in a crowd this large I wouldn’t be the only gluten free person.
The morning panel was so memorable I don’t remember a thing and haven’t any notes. 
Critique session one I brought my story, Don’t Pick the Apples, Robert.  Written 30 years ago and pulled from my dusty files some 10 years ago, Robert and his apples have undergone so many revisions they’ve gotten shiny.  A little bloody too.  Robert’s story was chopped to in half some months ago following a Picture Book workshop in Minneapolis.  Apparently it was a wound worth suffering. The only critical feedback given was that I should think more like an illustrator and try to eliminate the descriptions in the text that will be shown in the illustrations.  That of course leads this non-illustrating writer to asking a dozen more questions. 
At lunchtime I head for the entrance to the Grand Central Terminal and its Dining Concourse, joining the bustling crowd outside the hotel.  After yesterday’s walkabout I had written my author friend my impressions of NYC: “NYC is intimidating and SO crowded and busy!  I haven't seen too much of it...  Won't be sad to return home to the snow and forests and empty spaces.” 
She had written back a challenge:  “Just so you know, you are talking to a New Yorker who loves NYC.  So I hope you will see the beauty in all the bustle and boundless creativity of humanity that is on display wherever you turn.”
I find myself looking at the people through different eyes today.  I note the incredible diversity of face and style.  There are policemen and workmen; beggars and well-dressed men in expensive suits, women fresh from designer boutiques; mothers dragging noisy children; teenagers bopping to the beat only they can hear.  In the space of two buildings I quickly count 30 people.  All are moving purposefully and quickly, hardly breaking stride if a tourist suddenly makes an unexpected turn or stops dead-center.  The people and the traffic combine into an amazingly intricate dance of color and light.  I wonder about the stories each one of these people are living out. 
The Dining Concourse is more crowded than the streets, everyone weaving in and out of each other’s space.  I imagine that I can see the trails of energy with each passing person.  I get some wild mushroom lentil soup and head back to the hotel.  It is quieter there. 
In the afternoon I offer my little story Duck, Duck, Goose to another group of peers and an editor for their feedback.  I get a perfect 10 with the qualifier that I should drop the last four lines—they aren’t needed.  I sit quietly smiling; inside I am dancing on the table!  It has been a long, four and a half year journey to this conference in New York.
Later as I head up to my room with a salad from Grand Central—and a chocolate shake to celebrate—the doubts start whispering…the ones I came here intending to resolve.  So what’s the big deal about a silly little story about ducks?  Do you think writing stuff like this matters?  Don’t you think you should spend more time writing stuff that’s important?  You want to change the world…how you gonna do that with silly ducks and little boys who love apples?

Saturday, March 1, 2014

ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY III

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February 25, 2014
ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY
My Walkabout—Part III
Somehow I seem to have passed through a portal to another planet—perhaps another dimension entirely.  I stand in the middle of Times Square, slowly turning in circles, gazing up as thin, sexy models 8 stories tall walk toward me purposefully and all manner of goods are paraded around the square from screen to screen, building to building.  On the ground there are hawkers of wares and beggars and food vendors and painted people; even the Smithsonian is running a game show.  Traffic rushes by on all sides of this little plaza I wandered onto.  Horns honk, police whistles shriek, an ambulance roars by siren screaming.  People are laughing and shouting and talking and walking; high heeled boots clip clopping like the horses on the cobblestones 20 blocks north.  Two men spray painted like twin Statues of Liberty, one green the other silver, are passing out advertisements.  I watch another 8-story model parading her bajillion dollar ensemble for us all to marvel at and think of Lindsey and her thin, shabby coat and her dirty duffle bag and her tired face.
I try to play the Smithsonian game show and might have won except no one told me to tap the green key on the pad after selecting my answer so all my answers come up wrong.  The woman smiles and tells me to try again, but I decide I’ve had enough.  Dizzy from the giants on the buildings I head down 42nd Street for the Library.  There’s still time to wander through before it closes.
Next to the Library is Bryant Park and another skating rink filled with hundreds of people, all of them skating clockwise, around and around.  What would happen if someone fell?  Pile-up!
The Library reminds me a little of the St. Paul Library across from Rice Park back home.  Just bigger.  I wander in and find the children’s section immediately.  It is large; about the size of the entire main floor of my library in Duluth.  But I am surprised that it is not more colorful and inviting.  There are some posters, a lot of books, little tables and chairs.  That’s it.  Nothing about it makes me want to stay and get cozy in the corner with a stack of picture books or a new YA novel. 
The hallways are spacious, the stairways grand.  I get lost and find myself returning to the same spot from 5 different directions and as many staircases.  I finally settle down in a little coffee shop to eat my dinner.  It’s still hot and delicious—something with rice and kale and mushrooms and other vegetables and a sweet and spicy chili sauce.  After I am sated I go in search, once again, for the famous reading room.  I pass a display about how the library was built.  Other displays tell about all the magnificent treasures stored there.  I pass incredible paintings and murals and finally see the reading room.  It is all very grand and old and antique.  Like a museum.
The library is about to close.  It is dark outside now.  I walk the two blocks to my hotel, stopping along the way to investigate Grand Central Terminal (Station).  The  last thrill of my walkabout:  standing in the great, cavernous main concourse, imagining what it might have been like 100 years ago when the current building was only a year old. 
Finally, nearly five hours from when I left, I am in my hotel room.  It is quiet, warm, cozy.  I look down at the street still funneling cabs and cars and buses and people between the towering stone and brick and glass and steel buildings.  Tomorrow morning my conference begins.  I have the feeling I have entered a world from which there is no return.  My feet may walk again the snowy, frozen paths of the Northland next week--but they won't be the same feet that walked there this morning.

ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY II


February 25, 2014
ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY
My Walkabout—Part II
Panic gradually subsides and I continue up boring 5th Avenue.  I need to see some trees and dirt and flowing water.  I finally come to the edge of Central Park. There are about two dozen horse-drawn carriages parked along the streets.  

 
I see a number of them clopping through the park—a nice way to explore the park if you want to spare your feet the trek.   
There isn’t any dirt because the park is blanketed in snow.  I climb up a hill and enjoy a bit of a view into the park.  
 The “flowing water” is of course, frozen.  There is a flock of ducks skating on it. 

I spot the zoo.  I think that would be a nice place to visit.  It will cost me $12 and they are only open for another hour.  Do they have large cats or apes?  No?!  Oh, they have a snow leopard…and a petting zoo…a few monkeys…never mind—I’ll visit Como Zoo in St. Paul when I get home.  Como has apes and lions and tigers and bears...even zebras and giraffes!
I wander along the path to a large skating rink.  It’s difficult to see the ice under all the skaters.  I wander out of the park, back into the hub-bub.  I head down 7th Avenue—David said it will hook up with Broadway and take me to Times Square.  “You’ve GOT to see Times Square,” he said.
It’s nearly 4:00 and I’m hungry.  I finally spot a restaurant advertising healthy, organic food.  A young woman is sitting on the sidewalk reading a book with a sign on the ground next to her: “Stranded Need Help Any kindness is appreciated”.  I walk halfway down the block to an art shop where I wander around for about 10 minutes, wondering about the girl.  I walk back to the corner.  I'm nervous.
 “Hello,” I say, and she looks up, surprised.  She smiles.  She has a tooth missing.  She looks tired. 
“Have you eaten?” I ask.  She says she had some breakfast at the mission. 
“What time was that?” I ask her.  She says 7:00.
“I’m going inside.  Would you like to join me?  I’ll buy you some lunch,” I say. 
 “Well, that’s okay,” she says.  “But…well…I AM really thirsty…if you wouldn’t mind…ahhh…” 
“Come on,” I say.  “What’s your name?” 
“Lindsey,” she says.  I shake her cold hand and tell her, “I’m Mary.”  We go inside.
She chooses a vitamin water as I start quizzing the counter boy whether the soup has gluten in it.  Lindsey asks me if I’d mind if she also got a yogurt granola parfait from the cooler.  I say that’s fine.   The boy doesn’t know if the soups have gluten in them, so I begin asking about the rice bowl salad.  Finally I am satisfied it is probably safe and I order.  Lindsey brings me napkins and a fork and then points out to me that up on the soup menu board there is a code system indicating whether they are GF or not.  I ask her why she is stranded and she tells me about her old grandmother who lives upstate.
“I have to go see her as often as I can, you know--to help her out.  But I can’t stay there.  She lives in the country and has no plumbing and it’s really hard,” she says.  She looks wistful.  I can see she loves her grandmother.
I ask her about work. 
“I get work where I can.  It’s hard in this city, you know?  It’s easier further south, but I’m trying to get back to my grandmother—you know, with this hard winter and all.  Sometimes I get jobs handing out pamphlets but you have to be there by 5:00 in the morning so I miss breakfast and it’s really hard to stand out in the cold all day and bother people.  Sometimes I get jobs in a kitchen.  Doing this, (she shakes her money cup) is a last resort.”
“How do you eat?  Where do you sleep?” I ask.
“Oh, there’s a church over there where I can go and eat and sleep.  It’s warm there.”
My food is ready and I pay for it and hand her the bag with her water and yogurt parfait.  She thanks me and shakes my hand and wishes me well.  By the time I reach the door, she has disappeared into the crowd.
I don’t feel like eating in the cramped deli.  I carry my bag down the street.  I notice several theaters, and pass Carnegie Hall.  There is construction happening in front of it—something with the sidewalk?  It doesn’t look particularly grand.  I wonder where people park.  Or do they all take subways except for the rich who take taxi’s? 
The sun has disappeared now…setting somewhere behind the skyline.  It is colder.  Ahead I see lights, huge lighted advertisements—most of them videos.  Times Square. 

ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY


February 25, 2014
ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK CITY
My Walkabout—Part I
Headed for my first conference of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) I have arrived in New York City.  On our descent into the city I spot The Stature of Liberty, so I know this is it.  So much water.  So many buildings.  So many BIG buildings!  It is like taking the entire city of Minnepolis/St. Paul and turning it into one big downtown filled with IDS buildings!  I suppose that is slightly exaggerated, but only slightly.  There are a lot of freakin’ big buildings every way I twist about to look!
We land and an hour later I’m bumping along in a crowded shuttle van headed for various hotels in Manhattan.  It is lunch hour in New York, but it looks like rush hour in Minneapolis coinciding with a Vikings home game.  I wonder what “rush hour” looks like here? 
Finally, downtown Manhattan.  Except, from what I can see, it’s ALL downtown.  They divide it up by calling it Lower, Mid, and Upper.  My hotel is on 42nd Street, part of the Grand Central Terminal.  I walk in and know my credit card is in trouble.  It is a beautiful hotel.  My room on the 27th floor is sleek and modern with the most comfortable king sized bed I’ve ever slept on!  My window looks up 42nd Street.  I can barely see the sidewalk for the people.
Unpacked and settled; time to head out for a walkabout.  It’s 2:00; the sun is shining and it’s 40 some degrees…ABOVE zero.  What a change from Duluth!  I head down 42nd Street to 5th Avenue and per the suggestion of the concierge, turn north on 5th  heading for Rockefeller Center and then Central Park.  But, oh…there on the corner of 42nd and 5th is the famous New York City Public Library!  Oh my…I'm all about books…but, if I go in there, I won’t make it to Central Park which is 20 blocks away. 
I head for Central Park.  I don’t know if I’ve ever walked on a street amongst so many people.  I’ve been at events where there were hundreds of people all crowding to get in or out but the event was never just about walking down the street, and up the street, and across the street…block after block. 
There is a very tall, very thin woman ahead of me wearing a black floppy hat, an ankle length black coat of some material that allows it to billow a bit in the breeze—and red high-heeled platform shoes!  Her naked foot must be nearly a foot off the ground!  Maybe she isn’t really as tall as she seems.
I pass an old woman in a ragged coat and dirty tennis shoes hunched on the sill of a storefront step.  Yes, I noticed the plastic cup of coins she was shaking.  I keep dodging the oncoming human traffic.  My heart is suddenly as heavy as a stone and demands to know why I’m not keeping my promise.  Sighing, I steer toward the wall and stop.  After watching Change for a Dollar and helping my husband with his film, Sawubona, I promised myself I would never ignore the homeless and the beggars.  I turn back.  I drop some coins in her cup and look into her eyes as she smiles up at me.  She has two teeth missing.  I pat her shoulder and hurry on my way wondering why I get so nervous—what is so difficult about taking time to acknowledge someone who struggles?
There are a cluster of tourists on one corner all pointing their iPhones and cameras upwards at a building.  I look.  It is old stone with carvings and statues.  The building is surrounded by taller buildings of glass and steel.  
By the time I get near the Rockefeller Center I am bored.  Being bored in New York City 45 minutes into my first walkabout triggers an anxiety attack.  Surely I must have made an unfortunate decision to come this way.  Surely I am missing out on something far more interesting!  I don’t have my map.  I call my husband.
“Honey, all there are are stores and more stores and tall buildings and lots and lots of people and I still have 12 blocks to go before Central Park so should I have gone a different route and am I missing anything because this is my only chance and I’m f’ing hungry and there’s only stores and…what?  I’m on 49th.  And 5th.  NO, the Rockefeller Center isn’t kitty-corner from me.  There’s just another big building.  The sign says…NO, I told you, there’s no Rockefeller Center…What?  Yeah, there’s some trees half-way down the block…OKAY, I crossed the street already, I’m over there—here…okay, walk down this plaza between the buildings?  A skating rink?  The one in the movies?  Oh…yeah, here’s the skating rink.  THAT’S the one in the movies?  Nah…it’s small and surrounded completely by walls and buildings…I don’t even know how to get down there.  And there’s like a couple hundred people skating.  Oh, what?  This is the Rockefeller Center?  What’s the big deal?  It’s boring…the skating rink looks pretty different in the photos and the movies…geesh!  So now what?  …okay… Do I keep going up to Central Park?  I know…I KNOW…I won’t have much time…but, oh hell.  I’ll figure it out.  Thanks…Bye.”

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

February 15, 2014

The Reluctant Writer

I wrote a lot last year.  I filled a notebook with my musings.  I worked on my book Help! The Future is Sitting in My Classroom! Creating Healthy Learning Environments From the Inside-Out.  I wrote 13 children's theater scripts. I edited three of the children's picture storybooks I've been working on. I wrote letters and papers and email missives. I attended two writer's conferences, a workshop on picture books and took an on-line course about how to plan a book. 2013 was my year to move past my reluctance to write. 

I've been working at this writing life for four years.  God blessed me with a lot of help. Every time the doubts became intense or my attention crumbled, another messenger would come to remind and reassure me that this is indeed my path. But like a yo-yo, each dive into great intentions inevitably saw me return to the safety of status quo--i.e., doing everything except write.  I needed a breakthrough.  I needed to move into a completely different view of myself and my writing.  My moment of deep change finally arrived with the flowers of the belated spring of 2013 and I owe it to the beautiful words of Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love.  She said:  

"I believe that – if you are serious about a life of writing, or indeed about any creative form of expression – that you should take on this work like a holy calling. I became a writer the way other people become monks or nuns. I made a vow to writing. I became Bride-of-Writing. I was writing’s most devotional handmaiden. I built my entire life around writing. I didn’t know how else to do this...
...One day, when I was agonizing over how utterly bad my writing felt, I realized: “That’s actually not my problem.” The point I realized was this – I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly; I only promised the universe that I would write. So I put my head down and sweated through it, as per my vows."

I had never thought of my desire to write as a "holy calling", but in that moment when I read Elizabeth's words, I realized it is just that.  I have known this since I was a child.  But I have been a Reluctant Writer, always finding other responsibilities to fill up my days, too frightened to admit who I am and just do it already!

I am no longer a Reluctant Writer, but old habits are like the undead...they keep hideously resurrecting.  The fabric of my new habits seems to unravel much too easily.  But I have made my vows; I will keep them.  I will honor this holy calling, this sacred trust I carried into this world with me.  I will use the written word to share what wisdom, what grace, what beauty and insight I have mined from life; I will pass along gifts of love from the Universe.  I will do as Elizabeth does: show up in the chair and do the job I have been given to do.  Perhaps sometimes it will bless some readers even as the writings of others have blessed me.  Perhaps at times my words will serve to be a remover of some obstacle or other for someone.  I learned from Elizabeth, that's not my problem.  My job is simply to be faithful and to share the Gift that I was given.


Monday, June 10, 2013

IT'S RAINING...IT'S POURING...I'M GARDENING ANYWAY!


JUNE 10, 2013

IT'S RAINING...IT'S POURING...I'M GARDENING ANYWAY!

I woke up excited.  Today I get to spend in my garden.  It’s June and I have 8 boxes of plants to put in the ground or into pots.  Yesterday the sun was shining and the temperatures managed to climb above 60 degrees!  Everywhere plants and shrubs and trees are blooming—behind schedule, but blooming.  Although it is a third of the way into June already, my garden is full of tulips and the neighbors lilacs won’t open until probably the end of the week or next.  The trees are only now leafing out.  While most years we are referring to the season as Summer even if it is officially still Spring, this year it is indeed Spring in every sense.  At this rate Summer’s visit will be a very short stay.  She might not even linger long enough to take her hat off!

I am getting dressed.  It is chilly.  The sky is heavy with cloud cover.  I check my weather app and read, 39 degrees—with an expected high of 45 and increasing chance of rain with every hour.  Undaunted, I put on my fleece pants, my favorite grey turtleneck sweater and my purple fleece, warm socks, tennis shoes.  I find my heavy blue rain jacket and I’m out the door to meet the first raindrops.  First job, water the plants along the foundation where no rain can get to because of the eaves.  How ridiculous this must look to the neighbors—watering my garden in the rain.

I survey the boxes of plants in the garage.  I decide that at least I can plant all the pots from the relative shelter of the edge of my garage.  It rains harder.  I go in search of pots, of buckets and fertilizer, of an old bag of soil from last year.  I drag one of the hoses over.  I begin to wash the dead leaves and dirt and spiders out of the pots.

The air is cold.  The water is cold.  The rain is cold.  I dampen and stir my dirt.  I dunk plants in a bucket of icy cold fertilized water.  I fill my pots. 

I untangle the morning glories from the tomatoes and petunias and decide they need to go right into the ground before they cause any more trouble trespassing where they aren’t wanted.  The rain runs off the roof onto my back as I plant each Heavenly Blue—one, two, three, four of them along the porch trellis.

David helps me drag away the broken pot in the front yard and we sit on the porch watching the rain and discussing whether to replace the pot.  We decide we will.  I trudge back to my station half under the eave of the garage and plant geraniums and vinca vines and asparagus ferns and a bowl of pansies.  David takes a picture and posts it on Facebook:  Some people just don’t know when to stay in and curl up with a good book! 

Finally, the last pot is filled, the last plant has been dipped in the bucket of water so it will not dry out waiting for us to plant them in the ground.  I hose the mud down the driveway into the alley.  It has not stopped raining the entire 4 hours I have been outside working.  It is 44 degrees.

I go inside and there is a mushroom/veggie/bacon omlette waiting for me. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

REMOVING OBSTACLES


REMOVING OBSTACLES
October 4, 2012

Happiness is a skill,
emotional balance is a skill,
compassion and altruism are skills,
and like any skill, they need to be developed.
~ Matthieu Ricard

As the turning of the year brought me into my 57th year, I was filled with excitement and enthusiasm.  It felt like this was going to be my year to take wing and fly high.  At last I would know some success in that which I’ve been endeavoring to achieve for some long years now.  I’ve been the seed lying dormant in the dark earth.  I’ve been the seedling emerging.  I’ve had my summer in the sun, growing, sweating, toiling.  Now it is time for harvesting.  Now it is time to show my true colors.  Feeling healthier, happier, I was deeply engrossed in my writing and preparing to step out from my hermit cave to once again share my teaching skills in the area of Restorative Practices and the Peace Circle process.  Time for me to fly!

On my birthday, I awoke from a dream where angels (or some sort of Light Beings) were singing to me—and I never hear music in the few dreams that I manage to remember!  They were singing “I can see clearly now, the rain has gone.  I can see all obstacles in my way.  Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.  It’s gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day!”  I felt pure bliss.  I was sure this meant it was going to be a golden year for me.

In 2011 I had come to understand at a deeper level my calling, or life purpose if you will, to be that of a Remover of Obstacles.  Through my writing and my teaching, through my study and sharing of knowledge, through the testimony of my life, through my desire to give generously in financial ways—yes, I would help to remove those obstacles that hinder others from moving forward in their lives.  2012 would be the year when I would finally take wing and succeed in all that I had been trying so hard to achieve.

I made it to the evening of my birthday before crashing full steam into a huge obstacle of my own ignorance, damaging several relationships in the process.  As the year has unwound itself, I have bumped and banged into one obstacle after another, tripping over my own Ego and wrestling every Monster that has ever haunted my path.  It wasn’t until nearly six months after that shining morning seranade that I finally understood the message.  I can see clearly now…I can see all the obstacles in my way.  The dark clouds that had me blind have dissipated.  The song does not say that the obstacles are gone.  Only that I can see them clearly now.  It is no longer dark and I am no longer blind.  Therefore, I can remove them.  How else could I expect to become a Remover of Obstacles if I do not first remove those that hinder my own life?

Of course, I feel just a little pissed off about this.  I mean, this journey inside has gone on and on and on and on and on…is there no end?  When will I fly free?  …And I immediately know I will fly free the instant I spread my wings and take off.  There is no cage.  There is no tether.  There is only my fear that holds me back. 

I mean, haven’t I done enough work by now?  Shouldn’t I be healed by now—body and soul, mind and heart?  …And I immediately know I am healed.  I’ve been healed for some time now.  I just haven’t lived like I am.  Like a cripple with her crutch, afraid to let go even though she is mended and whole again, I keep hobbling along. 

As the year is winding toward its end, I smile with satisfaction at the pile of junk I’ve heaped up: obstacles in my life that I have been steadily removing, month by month, week by week, day by day.  I am discovering that it is actually true that our success and happiness really are a result of our attitude—how we think and therefore what we believe—even if unconsciously. 

In need of more cash flow, this week I started a little side job caring for two young children two days a week: a 12 month old toddler and his four year old sister.  Five hours into day one and I ran face first into yet another "brick wall" I built once upon a time.  My Ego took center stage decked out in old habits of thought, old and crusty anger, and a whole lot of attitude about what is and is not important to be spending one’s time doing.  True to my prophetic birthday song, I could see clearly the obstacles in my way.  I just had to be willing to remove them.

During Day Two I asked myself a different set of questions than I’d been asking myself the previous day.  Whereas those questions had primarily to do with “What the hell am I doing here?”, on the second day I asked: “Would you look at this little boy and see his innocent, pure spirit shining through his blue eyes?  Would you allow yourself to consider who the Soul so recently incarnated into this sturdy little body might be?  Might it be a privilege, rather than demeaning to your education and “status” to invest some of your life into these two little ones?  When his angry wails pierce your sensibilities like someone running their nails down a chalkboard…can you see in him your own raging tantrums when you, like he, feel powerless to make Life give you what you want?” 

Following him at a snails pace down the front sidewalk while he investigated twigs and maple leaves and bugs, I wondered if those Beings who have chosen to serve humans by guiding and protecting us—Beings of much greater evolvement, intelligence and ability—look at us like babies; helpless, ignorant, demanding, needy babies.  Do they ever feel completely exasperated as we flail and scream and demand what we can’t have?  Do they ever tear their hair out when we make yet another mess in the world?  Are they ever totally bored with us?  Do they…no, they don’t.  I doubt it.  For the very fact that they are more highly evolved, living at higher frequencies of Light (information), Love and Joy.  We might in some ways be like babies to them, but if so, I’ll bet they are devoted to us. 

As I pursued these thoughts, I felt everything shift.  No longer angry and resentful of having to take this job, I felt gratitude and with that came ideas for all the things I could do and give.  I went home with my heart filled with peace, and the faces of my new teachers, a smiling, dimpled baby and a little elfin girl filling my thoughts.  Another obstacle removed. 


A CALL TO ARMS


A CALL TO ARMS

Monday, September 17, 2012
 
My mind is so filled up with thoughts I cannot release them quickly enough.  My heart is so full of feelings they are backing up and flooding the terrain of my inner landscape.  “Write!”, that whispered directive comes again.  And again.  And again.  But when I sit down, the thoughts and feelings tangle up so that I don’t know what to release onto the paper… 
 
I hear the blowing of the shofar, calling us to arms.  The split between the polarities in our world is widening, the dark is becoming deep and murky; the light is radiant and intense.  Those who are awake, alert, and aware look unflinchingly at the destruction and suffering we have collectively created—whether by intention, complicity, compliance, passivity or ignorance.  Helpless, angry, we wonder why those to whom we gave the power to resolve these problems are failing us.  We read.  We talk and rail.  Some sign petitions.  Some march.  Some strike.  Some do political work.  Some advocate for causes—there are hundreds of causes.  It all seems a drop in the bucket. 
 
We are invited to fine-tune our listening, for we may hear a call to arms of a different kind: weapons of love, forgiveness, compassion, gratitude, joy, courage, kindness.  The real battles we fight are in the mind fields where thoughts are the bullets and the bombs; better thoughts of love and healing, than hatred and destruction!  With this new way of warring, sieges of our cities are done with random acts of kindness and with the proliferation of projects that heal our Earth and one another.  We end this war by raising the energy vibrations of ourselves and one another and the very Earth and restoring balance in the energy fields of Earth, of Sea and Air and all who dwell within them. 
 
Re-creating a world where all may thrive will only happen if each of us is first willing to call a cease-fire within ourselves.  It takes just as much commitment and work and courage and perseverance to “fight” from within the Light as it does for those on either side of the line battling with the same weapons with the goal of destroying the “other”, or at least the work of the other.  The two have very different outcomes, however.  Battling against ego with ego, fighting hatred with hatred, raging against what we name “evil” from our fear; nothing changes no matter which side has their King on the Hill and their day of Occupation and Victory.  But entering the battle with weapons of love, like the Sun burning off the fog, the Light begins to replace the Darkness.
I like the idea that time isn't linear because it has taken me years to fully wake up, and more years to fully grasp the concepts of what it means to let go of Ego, to love my enemies, to root up old, toxic beliefs that tainted the Love that flowed through me.  It is taking me even more years beyond those to lay down new habits of thought and belief and action that are grounded in gratitude and joy, compassion and forgiveness.  But gradually this noisy gong and clanging cymbal has quieted and is now willing to not only enter the river, but to become the river—the River of Life, which is Love, which is Light.

   

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

November 7, 2012

REFLECTIONS ON ELECTIONS
Last evening I sat for a long time at the table with my ballot. Feeling the privilege, yet also wondering how free we really are; how much are we being manipulated into thinking we are free? If there are so many lies that are blatant, how many are sliding silkily through our lives undetected? Did I want to vote for the Justice Party, a party that reflects my deeply held beliefs? Was that really throwing away my privilege as some have said to me, or was this what this privilege is really all about? Talk about an undecided voter!

I thought about my commitment to walk the path of Love. If I am going to be one who bears Light in the world, if I am going to keep my feet to this pathway of Love that I have chosen, then I have to once again lay aside my fear and my cynicism and my judgment. I have to see the light in others, no matter how obscured, to see their goodness no matter how it has been twisted up in fear or buried under cruelty. In the same way that I must be willing to challenge my ignorance and make amends when I realize that that ignorance has caused harm, I must see the precious value of others who do harm because of their ignorance...and hope that they too will find their way to greater light.

I finally picked up the pen, and with gratitude for the privilege to be sitting at that table without having had to wait in line or suffer harassment; and with gratitude that I held a legitimate ballot; and with gratitude that even though I wish for a much different kind of political system--at least we still have one...I gave my President the benefit of the doubt and voted to give him four more years...and I filled in the circle that asks my Representative to please pack his things and go home--he's done enough harm...and I firmly said No! to the convoluted message that would pass itself off as "righteousness" when every syllable of it's message drips with arrogant judgment, separatism and superiority, and deeply biased ethnocentrism being packaged as the will of a Supreme Being. And one last No! to the thinly disguised attempt to suppress this very privilege I have to sit here and fill in this circle on this ballot.

In the dark hours of the new morning on the day my Dad would have been 85 I listened to my now and future President encourage us to view our political system with its fierce arguments and differing opinions and sheer (stinking) messiness (I had to add stinking!) not as something awful, or broken, but as what indicates that we are a people who live in a nation that is free. We get to argue. We get to debate and disagree. We get to "duke it out" so-to-speak. We get to sit at tables or step into booths and cast a vote for a man or woman or for or against an issue. We get to have and to express our opinion. Interesting perspective. I wonder what my Dad would say about all of this.

As he did four years ago, President Obama talked about working together to solve our problems and to build our nation. May it be so. May it be that we will learn to move beyond the privilege of holding onto our precious opinions and argue until we all grow old and die. May it be that we learn to listen. To listen deeply to one another. To open our hearts and minds to the solutions that will heal our Earth and one another and our world.

And may we rise to the call of our President...that our work, my work, your work, does not end with the closing of the polls and disposing of the yard signs. Our work has just begun. The time for arguing is finished. Now we work to create solutions and to heal all that our fierce fighting has destroyed and recreate the world so all may thrive. It begins within our own hearts. It must.